COME UP ROSES!

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The views we hold about ourselves and others have a great influence on the way we lead our life.

I am sharing these three short real life stories in my attempt to clarify some norms and beliefs we hold about life and to make our lives a bit more happier!

Case 1: One of my close friend’s son who is about 14 years now, would frequently come home complaining over minor stuff at school which off late became a regular feature. I would patiently listen to my friend’s daily woes, however one day I was tempted and casually asked her

·         “What are you going to do about it?”.

She was taken aback as she did not expect any response from me however, gathering her thoughts she very candidly replied I am going to do nothing about it. Let him learn to handle it himself. This is not the first time.  This will help him deal with it and make him stronger. What will he do when I am not around?”

14 years old, should be capable of handling own conflicts……Valid point!

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Case 2: This was about a relationship resolution. The guy was sailing however he did not like his manager. He would sometimes tell his significant other as well as his parents how much he hated his job. However, they would motivate him to deal with the situation and would tell him “ this will teach you to be strong”. Don’t give up so easily.

35 years old, should be strong by now… Sounds Valid….. Once again!

____________________________________________________________________________ Case 3: A senior citizen came up to me and casually remarked ‘ Whenever I tell my problem to my daughter, she tells me “ don’t bother… forget it, don’t take things so much to heart. Be strong”… hmm… seems so logical.

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Per se, it all looks so logical and that’s the way it has been! All the above three cases are so much part of each one of our life.. isn’t it? We make these statements so often and in good faith. Nothing is wrong with these statements. Infact, we feel we have done our duty as and a great sense of achievement dawns on us on doing a good job on counseling.

As they say, the proof of the pudding is in the eating, so now,  if I were to focus my attention to the main characters of these stories: The young boy, the sailor and the senior citizen.

My question to them was:

·         Did you eventually get stronger?

The answer:

•    "I felt that they did not understand me”.
•   "I don’t know"
•   " It’s okay"

The bottom line was : They were shattered . They were devastated with the response from their loved ones. 

let alone being motivated! 

This reply was indeed shocking for the other party. In their defense they stated , not in the same words but the crux of their defense was :

• True gold fears no fire!
•   Fire does not destroy gold. It only makes it stronger and purer!
•   Hardships, trials and sufferings make people stronger so that they are ready to face the realities of life!

All of this sounds very valid and very true, but there is a dangerous flaw in this entire set up.. read along:

·          

•  Do you think 14 year old was ready enough to handle the situation. Do you know who he is seeking help from as you have shirked him away
• Have you lived a life of a sailor, sailing for months together with strangers? Can you and me even for one day live without meeting our loved ones/our friends?
• Can you empathise with an elder who was so much in command a decade ago, has to deal with the daily aches, pains and moreover is   morally looking for support from the family members who do not have time for their own families, let alone parents!

Remember that when we deal with people we cannot compare them to anything …be it gold, diamond, silver…. however inspiring it might sound! 

At that moment all that they needed was someone to “ACCEPT THEM AS THEY WERE”:-

• Weak and Helpless!
• Docile and fragile
• Broken and depressed
• Full of limitations and imperfections

Even when you have to purify gold you have to treat it with kid gloves so that the dangerous chemicals coming out of it do not harm you. Do you know that there is a specific process to be followed to purify gold and if the process is not followed, you will end up corrupting the gold which eventually will not be as potentially viable as you would want it to be? The entire process is done very meticulously and by trained professionals. 

We are very particular to understand the ‘gold purifying” process however, when it comes to our loved ones, we push  them in the psychological fire and let them fight it out themselves-Strange isn’t it?

Are we not responsible to provide them air cover, the moral support and all other external support to help them transform from one level to another?

We are humans, not metals. Each one of us is complex and dynamic , unique in our own beautiful way. 

 In the future if you feel like pushing someone to do better, instead of using the analogy of “gold”  I would urge you to use the analogy of a “flower”

“ When the flower dosen’t bloom,you fix the environment in which it grows, not the flower” –Alexander Den Heijer

Human beings are born sensitive, emphatatic, loving and caring. Good example is when a three year old  child cries in a playgroup.. the entire class is crying! . its empathy at its best!

Next time, you have the urge to push your loved ones to be strong, help them to be strong if you can but  if you think you do not have the full capability, or if your instinct tell you to go a bit further, then do not hesitate from seeking professional help. 

Accept them as they are and then use the right process/method to help them overcome their limitations!

You can truly get “Pure Gold” when you help them “Come Up Roses”- Never forget this!

Be blessed and make your universe worth living -for self as well as others!

About Myself:
I am a Corporate Behaviour Modification facilitator, Psychologist, Psychotherapist. You can reach me at:
samin0001@gmail.com

Beauty is as Beauty Does!

Once upon a time there was a king. He had reverie to be successful. He strived very hard. Though he did not know what success meant, he was determined to accomplish his goals.

His queen was a backbone of his dreams. She would find happiness in all the small pleasures of life and keep pushing him towards his goals. Every morning he woke up he would be inspired to do better. He would look forward to every new dawn. With his hard work and dedication, he has made a go of his new kingship.

However, there were days when he would not succeed which would fill him up with guilt and remorse. However, the queen would console him and tell him to do better the next time. She was his strong support system. He thought that getting  married to this queen; he had found a place in the sun.

By now, he had the world by its tail!

A few years later, a sudden turn of events happened. A beautiful princess caught the kings eye .As he started knowing her better, she became his new inspiration and strength. One fine day he decided to marry her.
When the first queen came to know of this, all she could do is grin and bear it. She confined herself to a lonely corner in the palace not to be seen by anyone. She was as good as dead.
Time went by and the new queen filled in for the earlier one. She motivated the king towards every success she could think of! she was happy, confident and proud of her accomplishments!

A few years later, the king entered a phase when success started slipping through his fingers. This is when the queen started showing her true colours. She could not bear failure, as she was hard as nails. She would make life miserable for the king if he faltered. He started chasing his tail all months to gain his foothold but without any results. By now, he had started to groan inwardly! He was filled with fear, guilt and had started losing his ethical ways. At any cost he had to win. He was like dead in the water.

Finally, as fate would take a turn, he fell extremely sick and was bedridden.
The queen waited for sometime however thought to herself that the king was of no use to man or beast. With that she decided to leave.
The king was lonely and sad. He felt his days were numbered. He wanted to turn back the hands of time and call his first queen back. When the queen saw him she quickly got onto the task and started taking care of the ailing king. She was an epitome of optimism.
Every day, he would make small progress in his health and she would rejoice like before. She would show him the light at the end of the day and made him look at the brighter side of life. She started doing all the things that she would during their happier days.
Slowly and steadily his health started improving, life started looking great again! He was happy once more!
This news spread like wildfire and the second queen hurriedly came back and tried to turn back the hands of time. She reminded the king of all the good times they had shared together. She reminded him of the success he had gained when he was with her.
The king heard all of this, her beauty was euphoric and he was again tempted to take her back. He did not know whether to wind a watch or bark at the moon. He asked her to give him a day to decide.
Finally the king decided: Never in a million years will I take you back as my lesson is learnt!” he said.
This was the beginning of his life!
You must be wondering what this story is all about. Think about it, isn’t it about each one of us.
The king: It’s you and me and it’s our life.
The fist queen: She is metaphorical for Hope
The second queen: She is metaphorical for our Expectations
When we invite Hope in our life, we do not despair failure but learn lessons from it. She helps us to do better every time. She helps us to bounce back from our temporary setbacks. With hope, we accept ourselves with all our shortcomings. We become more tolerant towards ourselves. She is indeed an epitome of Optimism!
On the other hand, Expectation, makes us feel desperate, a spoil sport, bitter, guilty, useless. She makes us compare our life with each and every individual that we meet. She makes our life a dreaded rat race. And, that’s why she is a killer!
Hope is beautiful, Expectation Ugly
Now, you decide which one you would like to go with -Hope or Expectations in this New Year?
If you decide to embrace hope tell yourself: “I hope to utilize my fullest potential and meet all my goals!” and she will fill you up with happiness, tolerance and optimism!
Some daily statements:

• I have done my best and I hope to get an increment. If not, then I will see where I need to do better. Life is an ocean of choices and chances!
• I have studied well and I hope to score amazing percentage. I believe in ‘do your best, and forget about the rest”.
• I hope to see much happier days as every day I make a happier choice.

P.S.: I hope you like this story and can relate to your life. I do not expect you like  but if you do, please leave a reply, it will be my pleasure and will motivate me to share my thoughts further.

Those butterflies in my stomach!

Great personalities that come to our mind when we think of the word courage: Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Shahid Bhaghat Singh, Nelson Mandela, Narendra Modi, Steve jobs, Walt Disney and the likes.
What does courage mean to us?

• Mental Ability
• Brave
• Ability to face danger
• Take risks
• Go beyond conventional thinking.
• No fear

When we tell ourselves to go beyond our comfort zone, we usually tell ourselves ‘don’t fear.. Go ahead.. U can do it!”
This talk is good if you have to achieve something ordinary. But for extraordinary stuff you have to take help of your fear. First and foremost you have to realize that fear is one of the seed of courage. One would not know what courage is, if one did not know what it is to feel ‘fear”. The other seed of courage is ‘passion’, and we will talk about it sometime later in another write up. So let’s refocus ourselves to “fear”
We all have our fears: fear of failure, fear of being ridiculed, insecurity. If we did not have these fears, we would not have pushed ourselves to achieve what we have achieved today.
Listen to your fears. Do not avoid it. When you avoid your fear, you avoid doing that activity. If you listen to it closely, you realize that it actually is your best ally. It actually cautions you. It tries to prevent you from being reckless.
Your fears need a hearing. It shows up itself every time as an excuse, a defense mechanism, an argument, withdrawal, confrontations etc.
Learn to have conversations with your fears. First and foremost, check out the reasons your fears give you. Sit down and talk to your fears. Once your fear has spoken to you, ask yourself some basic questions:
1The task that I am going to undertake, is it good for me?

2. Is it good for my family/partner?
3. Is it good for the society in general?

If all the three questions have an answer as “yes” then go ahead and carry on your conversation with it.
It’s not a onetime activity. It’s a process. Just like you talking to a child. Try and convince your fear that you have everything in you to do that task .Your fear will try to convince you that you do not have. Take help from others to convince your fears. Do what you can to convince it. It will slowly start opening up to you. It will tell you of all the scars it has, all the dungeons it has perceived for you. Convince your fears that all of the stories it has seen for you are not true. Encourage your fears to shed off its nightmares and one fine day you will realize as you take your first step to work on that "fearful" task that your fear has transformed itself into courage.
That’s what all courageous men and women are made of! Full of butterflies in their stomachs. They have learnt to pick each one of them and set them free!
Next time, a tiny butterfly starts fluttering inside you; know that you are on your path of growth!
Pick it up! One of it is already waiting to be set free!

The Kite!

Relationships are very complex and dynamic. Still we are able to related to each other so well and become lifetime mates whereas with some we are just not able to gel. Some say it’s because of the way one perceives them, or the conditioning or any other stuff which says that you need to change.
Having tried all of that, still there are times when something does not make one feel ‘good’. If you have been in such a situation then your sixth sense has started speaking to you.
When such conflicts arise in your mind, confrontations are the best solution. Don’t jump the gun.. Hear me out . Here we are not talking about the roadside confrontations. That’s a different topic altogether. The best thing for such situations is “avoidance”. Here we are talking about confrontations in ‘deep relationships’.
Confrontations in deep relationships are transformational! However, some feel that confrontations usually bring out the bitterness in them. It’s something they would want to avoid. It is considered as a “villain”.
To set the perspective of confrontation correct, let’s think of all the people who have confronted -Be it Subhash Chandra Bose asking for blood in return of freedom or be it the ‘Mahatma’ going on a “no violence movement’ for freedom. It was confrontation for peace, dignity and self respect.
To be specific, think of all the people who have confronted you : your siblings, your parents, your teachers, your closest friends, your partner and all those who you can think of. Think of all those whom you have confronted. They are all different people from different environment however; the only commonality in all of them is these are/were very close relationships.
Then why do we shy away from confrontation? The answer is quite simple. It’s because, when someone confronts us, we usually look at it as a direct attack on our image which we have so far safeguarded from others. The “hidden” area as some put it . We apply the fight or flight mechanics to prove ourselves right. Here the vicious circle of conflict and confrontations begin. This is when we start associating confrontation with ‘anger’. However, anger is just one component of it. The intention of confrontation is: “To be understood and to understand”.
People who confront are not scared of showing their emotions. By now they are filled with hurt, sometimes unfulfilled promises, sadness and all such emotions. Else why would they want to show their ‘worst’ side? All these feeling emanate from the same source as that of “love” i.e the heart. It gets all mixed up there hence the person is unable to pick the right one out!
Think about it, if it wasn’t for love, why anybody would take the trouble of telling you where you have faltered. They would not take the trouble of trying to make things work out between the two. I call such people ‘angels’ on earth! People who are optimistic, who want things to change and who do not shy away from sorting out what bothers them!
However, on the hind side, confrontation gets its bad name as it gets combined with aggression, aggressive behavior and physical assault. These behaviors are individual in themselves not to be mixed up with confrontation. View confrontation as an individual component. It is such an important ingredient of any deep relationship. If it weren’t for confrontation, all our relationships would be so artificial and robotic. If we do not learn to confront, we will never know to collaborate!
So, let’s redefine confrontation:

• Confront to understand and be understood,
• Confront to make the relationship work better,
• Confront out of love,
• Confront with a smile,
• Confront with a hug, a kiss,
• Confront to make things work!

So next time when something does not feel right, go ahead and confront, do not shy away. Show your hurt, your sadness your love, your feelings for the person and for the relationship. Learn to live life naturally: full of love, full of understanding, full of arguments, full of fights but without aggressive behavior. If the other person values your relationship as much as you do, they will eventually learn to ‘listen’ to your feelings rather than the mere words uttered. However, if they do not then you have to bite the bullet and reevaluate your equation with them.
You finally need to realize that some hands are worth a handshake and some are worth holding onto for a lifetime.
The Kite: Sometimes it’s important to hold on, sometimes let it loose and if it gets stuck beyond repair, let go gracefully!
Please Note: This article does not apply to ‘maids’ in India. Whatever happens, just hold on to them :-)

The Jack and Jill Syndrome

Sipping a cup of coffee to beat the workplace air conditioner on a chilly December winter morning, I admired the warmth of the sun spread over the barren hills skirting around 8-9 blue paned corporate buildings from my office window.

The hills took me back to my kindergarten where Jack and Jill were a part of me. The poem was an all time favorite- A smile spread across my lips as I went back to my desk a little indulged in reminiscence on those sweet memories.

But now as I look back, I wonder why the poem was written at all! Probably the rhyming was perfect and that was the only motive but was that all for a five year old? .Probably Not..Let’s swing back to the good old days……From the lenses of a five year old: 

Beyond rhyming, it probably taught a few more unstated lessons which were carried from the formative days into adulthood:

·         Do not venture out on your own in unknown areas: Hills were unknown to Jack and Jill.

·         Jill being inexperienced  followed Jack and tumbled down

·         Fright: Frightening facial expressions

·         Never ever climb the hill again: Broke his crown was enough to scare!

As adults we unknowingly and unfortunately  carry all the lessons learnt from our formative days and they rule us for the rest of our lives until we decide to change them.

Think about it:

·         Where did we pick up our ‘fear of the unknown”? – Experienced this as one of the highest during my psychotherapy practicing days.

·         Where did we pick the  fear of  failure?- Another commonest one.

·         Where did we pick up despising imperfection?

Do you have the answers? Explore the little Jack and Jill in you. There are plenty of them waiting to be understood.

And believe me, ---A poem can do this to - Arachnophobia today is  on the top most list of phobias- Remember the poem--- Little Miss Muffet?

So, to set things straight, I have recreated the Jack and Jill for you and me. Let’s sing along whenever in life we  feel a little low or need a little push. A lil pep is always welcome 

Jack and Jill went up the hill

To fetch a pail of water

Jack fell down, but didn’t let down

Which fuelled his grit thereafter!

Hurray!!    Jill was thrilled, that she learnt a skill:

"Tumbling down was part o’  game

but,

Staying down was such a shame!"

Get going..................recreate your story.

P.S: These are my personal views, not based on any research